Dear Baby Jesus,

Aren’t you worried this may come off as sacrilegious?

-Righteous in Richmond

Well, Righteous. I suppose what some may call sacrilege, others call harmless fun. What some may call heresy, others call a sense of humor. What some call evil, others call Dick Cheney.

Look, I fully admit, were I not the Redeemer of Man and, you know, sort of immune to the whole damnation thing, I wouldn’t just have a first class bus ticket to hell, I’d be driving the bitch there. But as I Am Who Am, the Royal “To Be” Verb, I think I can take my chances on whether or not this is sacrilege and just focus on the important things, like football and whether or not those Jonas Brothers are lying to me about the whole abstinence thing.

But in case you were concerned for your own soul, and you haven’t really gotten the point that Dad doesn’t really damn sarcasm, here are a few warning signs that you may have actually died and are currently in hell.

• All food tastes like stale Funyuns, all drink, Fresca.
• Every time you turn on the radio Andy Gibb’s “Shadow Dancing” is playing.
• You wake up late Sunday morning after a night of drinking and this man is there to greet you with breakfast in bed.
• Backstage at the New Kids On The Block reunion show, you hear Karen Carpenter’s “Superstar” and, for the first time, you know exactly how she feels.
• Upon taking your seat for a cross-Atlantic flight, you realize this man will be seated to your right for the duration of the 12-hour journey and this man to your left. (For the record, falafel is not on the approved topic of conversations list).
• Rob Schneider. Rob Schneider. Rob Schneider.
• President McCain.

Should you not notice any of the following signs, take comfort for you’ve probably only committed the venial sin of laughing at one of my jokes. You haven’t broken your friendship with the Big Man, you’ve only damaged it by supporting my comedy (I had dreams of a stand-up, but Pops had other plans for me… sigh, Jesus tears.) The Good News is that salvation is still possible through temporal punishment. You may wind up in purgatory for a few years, you may just pass go after a week or so and head straight on to Heaven. You may have to just do a few hours of community service or you may have to carry Clay Aiken’s child. Whatever happens, you’re probably payin’ the piper somehow, son.