Ask The Baby Jesus header image 2

“New-clee-ur,” Not “New-cu-lur”

October 5th, 2008 · 4 Comments · Questions

Dear Baby Jesus,

Why is there so much evil in the world?

-Sad in Sacramento

My Child,

OK, won’t lie to you Sad-Sac, back in the day I was a bit of a humanist. I believed selflessness was the path to Godly love and that sacrifice and humility were divine. I said some things that, honestly, may have just been the wine talking. But the gist of my message was simple. God = Love. Love one another and it will lead you along the righteous path. Then you bitches turned on Me, and fucked Me up big time.

Truth is though, there’s so much suffering in the world because you jackholes create it. Seriously, Dad gives you the ability to reason and what do you do? You reason up the best way to build a nuclear farkin’ bomb! (Side note: It’s nuclear. New-clee-ur. Nuclear! Not new-cu-lur! Nuclear! Say it with me, New-Clee-Ur. Say it wrong one more time and, so help Me Dad, you are going to skip purgatory and head straight to speech therapy. Boom, that just happened!)

He’s given you the ability to communicate, to connect with one another. And what do you do? You popularize music that glorifies violence and hate. You spread gossip about one another. You legitimize Nickelback, you morons.

He gives you technology and you turn the Internet into a repository where any jackass can preach hate and fear (i.e. … FYI, soooo NOT what I’m about.)

See what I’m getting at here? Pops and I have given you the ability to reason. Use it. If you want a better world, stop asking why I let it happen and go out there and make it better!

You can start by boycotting “The Hills” … it’s the Devil’s work.

Tags: ·········

4 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Amanda // Oct 6, 2008 at 10:18 am

    Funny you should mention “The Hills”, Baby Jesus. Just the other day Lewis Black declared that “The Hills” is in fact the root of all evil. I was wondering if this means that Lewis Black is the Baby Jesus?!

  • 2 thebabyjesus // Oct 7, 2008 at 12:08 pm

    Lewis Black does have the crankiness of the Baby Jesus, but is in fact not Me. I do encourage you to look for Me in all things, however!

  • 3 Karina // May 13, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Dear Baby Jesus, Are you on Facebook? I am wondering if there is a way to share all of your wisdom with all my friends. That and I need more neighbors for my Farmville. Thank you.

  • 4 Frances // Dec 24, 2015 at 8:38 pm

    awwww!!!!!! provate me seiingis!!!!oli i ptyxiaki mou 8a einai afierwmeni se sena apokleistika.p.s. euxomai oses apantiseis exw, tosa koukoutsia na vriskeis sto karpouzaki sou. s’euxaristw polyyyyyyyyyy!!!!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Leave a Comment